Newly Widowed and the Holidays…
It’s hard for me to believe that my own journey is coming up on a year…which means that I’ve already experienced most of the dread “firsts” and a good deal of the year’s holidays.
My husband took his life just three days before Valentine’s Day (lovely) which we never really celebrated anyway, due to the fact that he once got married on Valentine’s Day, and I once got engaged. (Not to each other, obviously.)
But still.
What a completely f#@&ed memory to have attached to a day where our society celebrates love and romance. (Eye roll.)
The rest of the year’s minor holidays came and went. Father’s Day was tough, but actually it was Mother’s Day that was tougher. We would always do a frou-frou brunch and he was famous for compiling wacky little photo montages of me and our daughter that he would set to music and post all over social media.
I don’t share the same video making skills otherwise I’d have done the same for his big dates.
Besides, he was always content with sushi and a motorcycle ride, which we would do. At least whenever he was healthy enough.
It was always I, who wanted to mark each occasion in a celebratory way, even if it just meant a drive in the woods or taking in a movie, or even better…a concert!
I made it through our wedding anniversary with ONLY having to quit my job because of the incessant panic attacks and just randomly busting into tears. (Pretty good, all things considered, honestly.)
The anniversary was essentially the gateway to the time I had truly been dreading though. Halloween would soon follow, and had always been a big deal in our home. Then it would be his birthday. Then Thanksgiving, for which we were about as non-traditional as it comes — to the point where non-tradition became the tradition. Then it would be Winter solstice…a day that has always been special to me, and he knew it. Winter solstice kicked off Christmas, which I must admit, we weren’t typically all that festive. I tried to have a little holiday spirit for my daughter’s sake, but I have always breathed a huge sigh of relief on December 26.
It didn’t end there, though.
Even when we didn’t go “out” for NYE, my daughter and I would wait up for the New Year’s ball to drop and make the traditional phone calls to various friends and family in other timezones. She would have cider, and I would have champagne. He would be snoring on the couch.
Then…it’s MY birthday. (Etc., etc.)
This year for me, once all of these things pass, the only thing that’s left will be his one year “Angelversary.”
Now, I have told only my story in this post because it’s the one for which I am privy to all the details.
But there are other widows / widowers out there who could probably tell a very similar tale.
There are other dates and memories that didn’t even make this list, but are still present in my mind, and in the minds of other widows.
Everything is a memory. And memories are bittersweet at best.
Some widows even have negative memories associated with these times, where perhaps their spouses were cruel or abusive during these times, which only compounds the grief.
Those of us with children are actually fortunate enough to have a healthy distraction during these occasions. My daughter and grown son had birthdays over the summer, which were both nice events.
Thanksgiving this year was actually really great too. It was a good little milestone for me on this journey, and I really did feel a sense of thankfulness on that day.
But the dread that accompanies the start of each new day (financial worries, mostly) is magnified by the impending holidays. Along with the sadness over what was and will never be again, and the very terrifying fear of dropping the ball as a parent, for my adolescent daughter.
Other widows are going through this too…
If you know a widow, for whom this year is the first without their spouse, please keep these things in mind. A plate of cookies for their young children, or offering to watch said young children while mom or dad — the “sole” Santa of the house now — goes shopping for gifts.
Being mindful of the crazy grief journey that the widow may find themselves in over the stressful holiday months is also helpful.
And of course, a hug is always good medicine when you see your widowed friend. Holidays or not.
The holidays are tough for many people for a variety of reasons, and widowhood is sadly, just another reason for sadness during this time of year.
A little holiday cheer directed toward your widowed friend will go a long way.
And as I mentioned before, it’s not just the “big” holidays. It’s the smaller ones too…it’s the birthdays…the death days…and everything in between.
When one stops to look through the veil of a widow’s memories, one can truly see just how special each and every day here on planet Earth is.
Let that soak in for a moment and sit back and appreciate today for what it truly is : a gift.
Happy Holidays.
