Zucked
A Horror Story
It always begins the very same way…
You casually reach for your screen of choice to mindlessly check your preferred social networks. Perhaps you even might be considering that we as a society consume too much media as your fingers fly into action.
Your thumb hits that little blue F icon to open up Facebook and then BAM! That menacing little black square, complete with red warning signs and a judging, accusatory message telling you that you have been scheduled for ex3cution because of some offense, of which you will likely never know, as you have somehow, someway “Violated Community Standards.”
This little warning block sits on your screen, ever satisfied, and likely fueled by your rapid heartbeat and increasing blood pressure.
Certainly these bad vibes will travel back through said screen to the Omnipotent Meta Headquarters, thereby nourishing the Force of Overlords — Bots and otherwise — that wait all day at a collection of their own screens, where they watch, day in, day out, waiting for one of us to simply irritate them enough to strike.
Perhaps the “execution” remark is a bit of an exaggeration, at least for the time being…
I mean given that we are rarely if ever told what our actual violations are, and are also rarely if ever given any kind of option for appeal, it seems that termination might be a lovely thought to these little AI minion-bots that loom around Zuckerberg and his cronies, bringing them whisky and cigars, massaging their feet and such.
(And yes, absolutely activating their bidets when “nature” calls. These little nano-mercenaries are quite the, shall I say, BROWN nosers!)
Lightning strikes at all hours, regardless of weather, around this gothic manor that would creep out even Vlad the Impaler.
Ol’ Vladdie would find it comforting, however, that the residents of said Meta Mansion also sleep in coffins and/or upside down.
Or so I’ve been told…
Certainly they must! The level of horror that they place upon us mere peons hoping to simply digitally network with others of similar mindsets, only grows as each day passes!
The fear in our hearts as our phones nearly jump out of our hands, or our laptops practically explode, when that Restriction Message flashes across the screen only serves to make these Overlords stronger!
It’s no longer just Zuck — it’s a multi-headed corporate monster that grows more malevolent as each Restriction is sent out!
If you listen close enough when it happens to you, you can almost make out the sound of maniacal cackling! It is faint however, as it is shrouded in the crackling of hellfire and accompanied by the evil sounds of other cryptids, ghosts, zombies, demons, and devils!
Horror runs up your arm, through your heart, into your face — where you find yourself grimacing with fear — and then into your brain, where you can finally process what’s happened.
Your hand shakes as you put your device down.
You slowly put your hands up, and cautiously look around before you sit and take a few breaths.
It is at this point when you start thinking clearly again, and now instead of the Fear of God, you start to feel annoyance…then anger.
“Good! I needed a break from FARTBook anyway!” you exclaim as you pick your device back up and open up Instagram.
“Gahhh!” you scream dropping the device, for there is no desire to sleep with the Meta-enemy by using this sister app!
You think, X?
Nahh.
Tumblr?
Oh, what the hell. Smutty fan fiction sounds good right about now.
The hours pass and you are finally okay with the earlier events in which Meta tried to have you taken out.
But then the thoughts start to come.
The Birthdays.
The Groups.
The Events.
Under your floorboards, you begin to hear it…
“A…Place…For..Friendssssssss!”
And then it all comes flooding back. A look of pained anguish contorts your face as you grasp your chest in mournful agony.
“Tom! Tom, I’m so sorry! I let you perish, Tom! I let this happen…!”
Full-on sobs wrack your body and all you can do now, is fall asleep until the horrors abate.
“T-tomorrow will be better. Maybe I will get away from ZuckBook once and for all…” you whisper.
But the maniacal laughing from under the floorboards grows louder and louder.
“No you won’t!” The scratchy voice calls, “You will be back as soon as your timeout is up, to consume more and more Meta-data! They have you! And they love every moment of that…” the scratchy voice trails off, leaving you to your quiet dread once more.
You shakily pick up your phone and search out the little round, red P icon and open up Pinterest.
B
A
S
K
E
T
W
E
A
V
I
N
G
is typed into the search bar.
Yes, dear one, calm thine troubled soul with visions of crafting and other wholesomeness!
Maybe if you make Pinterest your data-consumption site of choice, you can more easily walk away from the frightening realm of the Zuckiverse!
You pin baskets, puppies, and summertime lemonade recipes until your eyes close from exhaustion.
Your hand releases your phone and now, no longer connected to the Facebook Portal, you sleep.
The next morning, when you mindlessly pick your device back up to start again, having forgotten that you are under yet another restriction, it happens again…
This time, you put your phone down and walk to your books.
A little Poe seems appropriate, you think to yourself.
“I should have done this a long time ago,” you say aloud, smiling for the first time in a long while.
But ever-present, in the deep recesses of your psyche, he is there.
He is waiting.
His only mission is to Zuck.
And he will never stop until he Zucks us all.
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